( theme song playing )
I'm afraid your man isn't going to show.
I suppose it is hard to believe,
a prisoner of war attending a meeting in London.
He'll be here.
( knock )
Come in.
I'll get the lights.
HOGAN: Gentlemen.
Air Marshal Woodhouse-- RAF.
How do you do?
Professor Burrows--
electronics advisor, Defense Ministry.
How are you?
Colonel Hogan. General.
I've heard a great deal about you.
I must say you're doing
a splendid job, old chap.
Thank you, I have a good crew.
I'd like to hear more about it-- after the meeting.
We'd better make it after the war.
I'm due back for roll call in eight hours and ten minutes
and the Krauts will be awfully disappointed if I don't make it.
We can't have that, can we?
( all laugh )
Let's get on with it, then, shall we?
I'm afraid we've got rather a serious problem.
The Jerrys have suddenly begun making things
rather difficult for us with their antiaircraft.
They've already shot down
some of our fastest reconnaissance planes.
Obviously would make our bombers sitting ducks.
Now, according to intelligence,
the Luftwaffe have been experimenting
with a new type of radar--
a super-sensitive mobile unit.
Hogan, if this equipment is really effective,
we've got a brand-new war.
I was just getting used to the old one.
Well, let's start with a few pictures.
WOODHOUSE: Lady Valerie Stanford.
One of the oldest families in England.
A radar specialist.
Worked with the RAF-- part of a research team.
Very able scientist.
All that and brains, too?
Brilliant mind.
But a highly erratic personality.
BURROWS: Went off the deep end a few years ago.
Defected to the Nazis.
Said to be a personal friend of Hitler.
The fellow with the mustache really scores, doesn't he?
Colonel, we believe Lady Stanford is the brain
behind this new German radar device.
Our flight patterns against their industrial targets
intersect at point K-- Düsseldorf-Hammelburg sector.
Yeah, there's my alma mater, Stalag 13.
Exactly.
Intelligence informs us
that Lady Stanford is somewhere in your area.
If so, that may be
where they're testing next.
You want us to find the Kraut radar and knock it out.
Or find Lady Stanford
and talk her back to our side.
Can you pull it off, Hogan?
( sighs )
Every officer must do his duty as he sees it.
And, gentlemen, I see it.
Anderson!
Bratkin!
Here.
Carter!
Carter!!
CARTER: Yo.
Davis.
Edwards.
Harper.
SCHULTZ: Hogan.
Colonel not back yet?
Maybe he only bought a one-way ticket.
And leave this Shangri-La?
Carter, you need help.
I don't see Colonel Hogan.
LeBEAU: Monsieur our favorite Kraut
does not see Colonel Hogan.
You shouldn't do this to me.
What shall I tell the commandant?
KLINK: Report!
Achtung!
Herr Kommandant, all present and accounted for... almost.
Good, I...
Almost?
Schultz, what kind of a report is that?
Well, Herr Kommandant, A for Anderson is here,
B for Bratkin is here, C for Carter is here...
Never mind who's here.
Who is not here, idiot?
Well, I... ( stuttering )
Aha, aha!
Colonel Hogan.
Morning, Germans.
( grunts )
All present and accounted for.
Hogan!
This is inexcusable.
I'm sorry, sir, I overslept.
Had a crazy dream I was on a plane flying back from London.
The next time you are late for roll call,
your dream will turn into a nightmare.
Rather touchy this morning.
Get up on the wrong side of the war, sir?
( prisoners laugh )
Silence!
KINCH: What do you know--
they've finally come to pick up my laundry.
NEWKIRK: No, that's the new sauna bath I ordered.
I hope they remembered to include the lady masseur.
Not "masseur."
The word is "masseuse," idiot.
CARTER: Who cares, just as long as it's a girl.
KLINK: Silence!
That truck is none of your business.
What's in it, Commandant--
a shipment of unconditional surrender forms?
They have to be filled out in triplicate, you know.
KINCH: And signed on the hood of a German tank.
( laughing )
KLINK: Silence!
Very amusing.
That truck is top secret.
But I assure you, its contents will soon have
the Allied planes dropping like flies.
That's not so amusing, is it?
Dismissed.
It fits the briefing I got in London--
high-powered, mobile radar.
KINCH: Radar?
That'll make things even tougher on the fly-boys.
And their life-span is pretty short now.
Colonel, look.
We are suddenly crawling with Boches.
Hochstetter and a full Luftwaffe general.
NEWKIRK: Blimey-- Gestapo and the top brass.
Poison and Ivy.
Looks like Berlin is sending in the first team, Colonel.
It proves one thing for sure.
That radar truck is here on serious business.
For Pete's sake,
you think they're going to operate from here?
There's only one way to make sure.
What's that, sir?
Scout the opposition before the opening kickoff.
This location will do nicely.
And that you have chosen Stalag 13
as the proving ground for our new radar system,
General Reicker, it is the culmination
of my not entirely undistinguished military career.
Military career as a keeper of a jail?
KLINK: Major Hochstetter, I can assure you it is not from choice.
My nostrils itch for the smell of gunpowder.
Oh? Well, perhaps that can be arranged.
And Monsieur Hochstetter is just the man to arrange it.
If Klink keeps talking,
he's going to be in a lower berth on the Stalingrad Express.
General, I say we should not test the equipment here.
I was not aware it was your decision, Major.
Sir.
The Gestapo, Herr General,
is interested only in security,
and this man is a natural hazard.
He attracts misfortune like a magnet.
Sir, I warn you.
I must protest this slander.
To whom-- the Gestapo?
I haven't decided yet.
I'll let you know.
General Reicker, I have confined the prisoners.
I have doubled the guard.
I've thrown an impenetrable screen around the entire camp.
Good-- we will proceed according to plan.
Good.
And as soon as we have one,
we'll proceed according to plan.
Don't let that top layer of blubber fool you, mate.
Underneath, old Schultz is as tough as nails.
But you know what does it?
It's the old Prussian goose-step.
That's the secret, mate.
Really?
Right-- look out.
Here, I'll show you, I'll demonstrate.
Bloody marvelous for the physique.
You try it, now, come on.
Watch me.
Right.
Right-- you feel better already, eh?
CARTER: I feel a lot better.
Nein, nein, nein, nein, nein!
That's terrible.
( grunts )
I'll show you.
SCHULTZ: Eins, zwei, drei, vier.
ALL THREE: Eins, zwei, drei, vier.
And General Reicker, I can assure you
of my absolutely fullest cooperation.
That is what I have been afraid of.
HOGAN: Oh, Commandant?
Hogan!
How did you get past the guards?
Guards at Stalag 13?
When did we give up the honor system, sir?
Who is this man, Klink?
Colonel Hogan, senior POW officer, sir.
I'll deal with you later, Hogan-- out!
Forgive me, Commandant,
but after the formation this morning,
the men wanted me to thank you
for taking them into your confidence.
Taking them into your confidence?
What did he say?
Just my usual forceful remarks, sir.
Regulations, discipline, a few threats.
Just routine-- out, Hogan.
I didn't ask you, Klink.
What did the commandant say?
Well...
It was nothing, sir, nothing.
Yes, exactly what were the commandant's remarks?
Well, he hinted at the glorious achievements
of the German scientist.
He mentioned that the truck out there is top secret,
but we could tell from the way he said it
that the truck has something to do with radio or radar.
Was that all?
Could there be anything else?
Let me see.
He said something about it would knock our bombers out.
"They'd be dropping like flies," he said.
Incredible!
Imbecile, idiot.
General, I tell you, this man is a natural hazard.
Was it something I said, sir?
I may have misquoted the colonel.
I mean, I wouldn't even have mentioned it
except the men were so grateful
he let them in on a secret.
It's great for morale.
Klink, you are finished.
If you have one ounce of brains left,
you will take this and blow them out.
Hochstetter, what are you doing?
I will tell Berlin that there's been a leak.
We must cancel the test, move the equipment.
Just a moment.
General, there's no security problem.
No prisoner has ever escaped from Stalag 13.
Hogan is right, sir-- not one ever.
General Reicker, I would be terribly disappointed
if the test were not made here.
Unfortunately, the Führer would be disappointed, too.
This project has his personal approval.
If they move the test,
won't your technical adviser have to make new calculations?
Adviser?
No one has used that word.
What do you know about a technical adviser, Hogan?
There has to be a great mind
behind every scientific discovery-- it's logic.
That will be enough, Colonel Hogan.
You may go.
Thank you, sir.
Uh, good luck with your test.
Stalag 13 is a lucky number.
At least it's been lucky for me.
Colonel Hogan, I came here to borrow some of your cologne.
It smells so good.
From now on, Sergeant Schultz lives like a king.
Poor mug, he's crackers.
Yeah, perhaps for the first course with goose livers.
Or maybe little herring tidbits in wine sauce.
Good life, huh, Schultz?
Where is this paradise?
Can't tell you.
My lips are sealed-- top secret.
But tonight I sleep in a real bed with clean sheets.
That's why I wanted your cologne.
It goes with clean sheets.
Gourmet meals, clean sheets.
Okay, Schultz.
Sounds like you're going to be staying in a hotel,
probably in Hammelburg.
Donnerwetter, how do you know that?
You maybe have gypsy blood?
Well, we moved around a lot when I was a kid.
Okay, gentlemen.
Why would they want Schultz in Hammelburg?
Maybe they're going to put him in cement
and use him for a roadblock.
That's a terrible thing to say
about a career man.
I, Sergeant Hans Schultz, have been selected to be a messenger
for a VIP-- V.I.P.-- a very important personage.
That's enough, Schultz,
we don't want to know anymore.
We don't want to know that it's a famous woman scientist
who's masterminding this radar setup at Stalag 13.
We don't want to know that.
Don't worry, Colonel Hogan,
wild horses won't drag it out of me...
How did he know about that?
ALL: We know nothing.
Nothing.
Hi, Schultz.
Hi.
Boy, you sure look good standing there.
Danke.
You're a heap of a soldier.
You're a real heap.
Oh, uh, Colonel Hogan asked me
to bring you this cologne.
Oh, it's nice of the colonel to remember.
Yeah.
Well, I'll see you.
Hey, Carter?
What are you doing outside the camp?
Well, we deliver anywhere in a hundred-mile radius.
Oh...
But you have to get your order in
before 9:00 a.m.
Good.
I remember.
Carter!
( gasps )
WOMAN: Anna, I finished my bath.
I'm waiting.
( knocking )
You may come in, Anna.
( water sloshing in tub )
Towel, please.
Your towel.
Forgive the intrusion, Lady Stanford,
but I just had to see you.
Well, you definitely accomplished that.
My apologies.
Circumstances sometimes force one to do things
that are, shall we say, distasteful.
You find me distasteful, do you?
Why don't we wait till I see you with your clothes on.
I take it you approve of me with my clothes on?
I don't approve of anybody
who sells out to the Nazis.
Please believe me...
no matter how guilty I may seem,
I have never betrayed my country.
I'd like to believe that.
Two years ago,
I was approached to develop a new radar
for the Luftwaffe.
You could have said no; people do occasionally.
It wasn't that simple.
I studied in Germany, I had friends.
The Gestapo were holding them hostages.
If what you say is true...
you were working with the Nazis for two years,
even you couldn't fool them that long.
This is usually a fatal admission to make to a man,
but I am a rather clever woman.
Yes, I did research for them.
And you call that intelligent?
Wait until they test their precious radar tomorrow, darling,
and you'll find out how brilliant I really am.
You see, in science, it's not the research that counts...
it's how you use it.
I wonder if Einstein started this way.
Got him, Colonel.
London?
We've made contact with Lady Stanford.
She claims she's working for our side.
She may be on the level.
But cancel all bombing missions until verified.
What?
They're testing the radar now.
Call the planes back!
What do you mean it's too late?
Mobile Tracking Unit X1, defense alert to Hamburg.
Three squadrons heavy bombers, bearing 3-4-0, 3-4-0.
( explosions )
( machine guns firing )
Yeah, the hyenas are snapping at each other:
the ack-ack boys want the credit
and the Luftwaffe's giving it to the new radar unit.
Well, at least now we know
what side our ladyship's on.
Yeah!
And you're looking at a sucker
who got the biggest snow job
since Admiral Peary discovered the North Pole.
Colonel?
Lady Stanford just arrived
with Hochstetter and his Gestapo.
Do you think she knows who you are, sir?
Well, I didn't give her
my name, rank and serial number...
but I have a feeling I didn't have to.
Well, if something happens to me,
you guys know what to do.
Why don't we just blow up that truck, Colonel?
That's no good.
If the Krauts think the radar works,
they'll build another one.
We got to make it look bad.
How do we do that?
I have a plan that has no right to work...
but let's give it a try.
( sniffing )
Anything wrong, Herr Leutnant?
Ja, there's a leak in the cable.
I will need your help.
( sniffing )
But how will we know when we find it?
By the smell.
( sniffing )
Electricity has a smell?
Dummkopf, no wonder you're a private!
Now sniff! ( sniffing )
Sniff! ( sniffing )
To our victory
and to the lady who made it possible.
Thank you.
And to our Führer.
To our Führer.
Hogan?
Ah, Major Hochstetter, do you think it wise
to invite Colonel Hogan to our little experiment--
I mean, no offense intended, but I...
Invite Hogan?
I am arresting him as a spy.
But he is a prisoner of war.
He was impersonating a German officer in Hammelburg.
One of my prisoners?
Impossible-- he was confined to the barracks.
( softly ): Who told you?
I have my own sources of information.
Hogan, is that true?
Lies, sir.
You know the Gestapo is jealous
of your magnificent record here.
Movies!
Mind if I stay for the show, sir?
Not at all, Colonel.
It is customary for even the Gestapo
to grant the condemned man his last request.
"Loosen connections between modulator, magnitron
and the incubator"?
I guess London means "oscillator."
Newkirk, get the wax out of your ears.
This isn't a crystal set I'm trying to spook.
How can I repeat the bloody words if I can't pronounce them?
All right, London, ready at this end.
You can start your nattering again.
( chuckling )
Oh, I say, that's frightfully good.
Now, you tell your man to readjust the calibration
of the range finder.
Smashing, what?
Oh, he's going to adore it, sir.
Hello, Kinch.
Here's one that's simply loaded with charm.
Lay it on me.
I only hope I live long enough to see how it comes out.
Before we put your model into production,
we must be sure it is reliable under all conditions.
I welcome the challenge.
I've got a great deal at stake as a scientist.
( chuckles )
Also as a former British subject
about whose loyalties
Gestapo is still not completely satisfied, huh?
Herr Hochstetter, in a few minutes
even you will be convinced
of my dedication to the Führer
and to the Third Reich.
Heil Hitler!
Bravo, Fräulein! Bravo!
Mobile Control Unit,
you will take your positions in the transmitter truck.
SOLDIER: Jawohl, Fräulein.
SOLDIER 2: Jawohl.
Colonel Hogan, you were stupid
to come back to Stalag 13.
That's funny,
I was just thinking the same thing about you.
Enjoying the show, Hogan? Huh?
Have a cigar.
Perhaps some champagne, eh?
Four squadrons, RAF heavy bombers.
Course south by southwest.
Distance... 800 kilometers.
Altitude... 5,000 meters.
Speed...
May I alert the antiaircraft batteries, Lady Stanford?
I would consider it an honor.
( machine begins high-pitched whirring )
( whirring intensifies )
( whirring and static )
( glass shatters )
( explosion, then static )
( machine stops )
What happened?
I don't know.
Check your frequency.
SOLDIER: Fräulein, we have lost the echo!
The frequency system is out.
I will have that glass of champagne now, sir.
Munich.
Düsseldorf.
Hamburg.
In ruins.
Our planes caught on the ground and destroyed.
Scientist! Genius!
I demand an explanation!
At once. At once.
Shut up, blockhead bumbler!
General Reicker?
He's insulting me again.
I don't understand it.
The first tests were perfect.
You.
You did it.
You sabotaged the transmitter truck!
It's no use, Valerie, I was here all the time.
"Valerie"?
Just how well do you two know each other?
Major, there, uh...
are some things
an officer and a gentleman can't talk about.
I swear there's nothing between us.
I proved my loyalty.
It was my information that led to Hogan's arrest.
A trick to win your confidence,
and it almost worked.
Yeah, darn clever these British agents.
Yeah, British...
Mm-hmm.
And the way she talked the general
out of sending up the fighter planes.
Come on, Hochstetter,
you got to admit that was brilliant.
It was brilliant.
In a sneaky way.
Hogan is the real enemy.
He came to my hotel room.
In Hammelburg?
Come on, now, Val.
Ridiculous!
No one has ever escaped from Stalag 13.
Of course not.
Hochstetter, you were completely taken in.
But I can't blame you-- could happen to anyone.
I'm willing to forget the whole thing.
But I'm not.
Take her away!
But you have not heard the last of this, Major Hochstetter.
Nor have you, General Reicker.
Corporal?
Smile, darling, we may be able
to swap a prisoner for you.
You're valuable.
It isn't often they capture a lady radar expert.
HOGAN: Commandant?
Sir, the men were wondering
when you're going to take them
into your confidence again.
It gives them a lift.
Hogan, I am not in the mood.
I'm sorry, sir, bad news?
Terrible.
General Reicker has been transferred
to the infantry.
Shipped to the eastern front.
Well, change is good for everybody.
Lady Stanford was his downfall.
I understand the Führer screamed for ten minutes.
Is that all?
I thought it took him that long to warm up.
Hogan, I could be transferred
to a combat unit.
Not a chance.
Berlin knows you're one man that's indispensable.
You really think so?
Of course.
Where are they going to find
another man like you?